"We are all in the gutter , but some of us are looking up at the stars."

Oscar Wilde. One hep cat.

Is this going to be an ode to Oscar? No. Just that I've been for one reason or another recently been in the subject of the absurd. A life long pursuit I assure anyone. One of which takes course within the strange undulating confines of sexuality and violence. Granted, it's most of my friends who tend to think me of the constant provender of dark and gross humor. However, I got to wondering why that is. Why is it that I'm so drawn to the absurd, why am I so fascinated with the strange, aloof, and usually unsavory? I grew up perfectly normal, with exception of me thinking I was an alien, looking up pictures of homicides on dial up aol during my childhood thinking I was going to be a real life multi-lingual Dana Scully, and my often rampant imagination. Other than that...I was perfectly normal. I loved kittens, puppies, and even for a while was a totally enamored with fringe Teen heartthrobs. Normal. Then how is it that I find myself laughing at gore? Find the strangest taboo subjects ones I need to obsessively research...the answer? I dunno. I've only just recently began to question it. Keep in mind it's nearly 5:30 am and I haven't been to sleep since yesterday.

Insomnia as of late has been...well....cruel. I read somewhere that high signs of the effects of insomnia is short term memory loss (check), palpitations (check), and sometimes nausea (check check check...blech). I'm thinking I probably have asked myself this questions as I'm so keen on introspection, but I probably just forgot. I've been forgetting lots of things. However, I'm also remembering the strangest most darling things ever as if my own noggin is replacing info with info long forgotten. It's kinda neat. One of which is the perverse. How utterly nonsexual "perversion" is...at least to me.  That my curiosity of why people find it sexual is really what drives me to find out the weirdest things. For example, on one of my late night insomnia nights (yesterday, maybe. or tuesday last week) I was watching this HBO special called, "PORNUCOPIA." Now before anyone goes about thinking I'm some sex fiend or whatever, it was a documentary on the porn industry. Did you know that average career for a porn starlet is about 18 months? Shorter if your not open to some sort of fetish play! It's a multi-billion dollar business! So as I was learning about the business of porn, I randomly remember my first introduction to it.

I think I was in 4th grade and I had done the ever celebrated song and dance to be let out of my classroom and out to the bathroom. I attended a private Catholic coed grade school . Boys in my eyes at that time served only as an annoyance and would never hold a candle to my beloved Devon Sawa (who as it turns out is a wife beater, I bet BOP magazine didn't see that coming). I meandered to the one girls bathroom on the floor. It was strictly to be used for the high elementary grades and as a 4th grader I exercised my right to the fullest when it came to that bathroom. I had played bloody marry in that bathroom and even went in there to hide when from certain teachers and students should the mood strike me. However this one time, as I finished up buttoning my plaid jumper I noticed a magazine pined to the back side of a toilet seat in the stall next to mine. I bent down, fished it out, only to drop it as soon as I saw what was on the cover. It was a Penthouse magazine. I don't remember who was on the cover, but I do remember kicking it open. I wasn't so much scared of what I saw, more like delightfully confused. Everyone in it was so ugly looking to me. So oddly put together. Which was probably right on the money. The page I had kicked open with my scuffed white keds was of this lady with a bad 90's perm and 70's pubes. She was smiling, but not really. It felt so sad.

After that, I hid the magazine right where I had found it. I carefully slinked back into the classroom, I had asked my a friend (a girl) to follow me to the bathroom. I took her to the magazine and asked if this was something we needed to tell our teacher about. She suddenly got so scandalized and explained to me that it was porn that all women when in adulthood would look like that. She picked up the magazine and examined it in a fashion  so opposite to mine. She left and so recess came and I got other kids to look at it. Everyone's reaction was so akin to my friends and not to mine. Fascinating. Why did they get so hot and bothered by it? Why was that relating to something to be coveted when it was so odd to me? I think that's when it all started. I just wanna get it. Porn presently seems to be a caricature of sex. Sometimes it's so ridiculous you have to laugh! I find real people, sexy enough. It could be the way they smile, say the word "Soft," or even the extent of intellectual prowess...that's hot to me. Not porn. It's just kinda silly. So anyway, my point is I've only recently asked myself this question. Only recently have I began to trace it back to people's reactions as opposed to mine as a source of why it is I find certain things to enticing to research for funsies.

Another reason could be a healthy skewed view of death and humanity. Everyone has one. It's really just a coping mechanism that some physiologists and anthropologists attest is due to the survival drive. I think I owe that to my dad. I recently had the best 5 minute conversation with the old man. It went like this:

Me: Dad? I finally got around to watching The Walking Dead...right you're the one who told me to watch it?
Dad: YA! ARE YOU WATCHING IT!? IT'S ON RIGHT NOW!? OOOOOH DID YOU SEE THE GUY GET AXE PICKED IN THE FACE!?
ME: AND SKULL CHUNKS FLEW EVERYWHERE AND THEN THAT LADY AXED HER BASTARD HUSBAND IN THE FACE UNTIL THERE WAS NO MORE FACE!?
DAD:PUES SI! (translations, "hell yes")
BOTH: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! So crazy!
Dad: You know I love stuff like that! I love zombies, and gory violent movies! Guts everywhere! Sunday is my night for that. First I watch this, then I watch Dexter, then I watch Boardwalk Empire...oooh Did you see that guy that got his knee cap blown off!?
Me: I  WATCH ALL THOSE SHOWS IN EXACTLY THAT ORDER! AND YES I DID, AND THEN THE CRAZY DETECTIVE GUY SELF- FLAGELLATION!? 
BOTH: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AWESOME!
Me: Is mom giving you a hard time for watching stuff like that? She always gave  me a hard time.
Dad: Ya. She's steering clear from the living room and watching her Virgin Mary program in the kitchen.
Me: Boring.
Dad: I know. Oh the Zombie show is back on! We can catch up tomorrow and have more zombie talk.
Me: Dad?
Dad: Ya?
Me: I love you.
Dad: Me too mi hija...WHOA THAT ONE ZOMBIE JUST TORE THROUGH THAT ONE GUY'S GUT!!
Me: GOTTA GO WATCH THAT!

Best conversation, ever. But see what I mean, the absurd is funny. In comparison to the extreme my Mother poses...well it makes it all the more funny. I dunno...just silly things I've been thinking of in my sleep deprived noddle. This probably doesn't make any sense. Oh well. Sigh...I miss the weekend already.

***MAKE NOTE DEAR READER I WROTE THIS IN A STATE OF INSOMNIA...I DIDN'T EDIT SO IT MIGHT ALL READ LIKE JIBBERISH.***